Message Maggie: Married Young

Q: I got married young and now sometimes I wish I were single. What should I do?

Rest assured, there are many people who at times have thought about being single. Fleeting, lingering, or persistent thoughts are perhaps signs you are not on the same page as each other in that moment.

Does this mean this is the beginning of the end?

Not necessarily. However, if left to fester, the bond between you will start to become undone. The longer it is left unattended, the harder it will be to reconnect. So take those thoughts as signs to make more of an effort and nurture your relationship.

Young love is a powerful force. It is hard for many to explain their romantic attraction and addictive urges of love. This is due to the instinctive workings of the primitive love centre in the brain. It works at any age and pulls us towards pair-bonding and reproduction. This is Mother Nature working her magic

While in this warm and fuzzy state, it is only natural to daydream and imagine your future life together. Forming pictures in your mind will sustain you, but can also keep you blinkered to the reality of your life. Unfortunately, when the shades come off, people are often hit with the harsh reality that many situations are out of their control. Picture-perfect now looks like disappointment, anxiety and unhappiness.

But what happens if you’ve never expressed these dreams to your partner? Wouldn’t you essentially be denying them the opportunity to co‑create? Yet you choose instead to punish them for unmet, unknown expectations. This could present itself as premeditated resentment, causing a disconnect.

Maturing together doesn’t always come easily for some couples. Growth can appear in some areas—emotionally, behaviourally, or in mindset—but lag in others. Recognising an occasional sidestep requires paying attention to what is actually happening, and calls for an honest conversation about the shift within the relationship. As long as you both maintain the same relationship goals, equilibrium and harmony should prevail.

Unfortunately, not recognising how important stabilisation is may allow a disconcerting restlessness to enter the partnership. Comparisons to other couples start to happen—‘they have more fun’, ‘they’re so into each other’, or highlighting differences in material wealth. Either way, one or both of you start to feel the pressure of not matching up, and not being ‘good enough’.

Dissatisfaction has a way of seeping into all areas of our life if we allow it. We can beat ourselves up about the decisions we made. And almost without our awareness, all the negative aspects of our life become accentuated. Memories of ‘life before’ start to pop up in our consciousness. Not surprisingly, a more fun and carefree lifestyle starts to feel much more appealing.

Inevitably, the waves of discontent flow into the bedroom. What was once passionate and spontaneous now becomes predictable and mundane. We start latching onto possible causes: inexperience, not being adventurous, or even thoughts of sexual incompatibility. The idea that we are missing out on a better way of life only adds to the lacklustre energy within the bedroom.

But is single life always greener? Not necessarily. Many singles talk endlessly about the difficulties of finding suitable potential partners—let alone ‘The One’. Their descriptions of soul-destroying online dating efforts would turn anyone off. And yet the biological clock keeps ticking and the pressure mounts. Not surprisingly, when they do find a spark, many decide it’s better to settle than to be seen as alone. Adopting a mindset of ‘anyone is better than no one’ allows them to settle into a comfortable partnership.

And so there you have it — your dilemma can be viewed from many perspectives. There is no right or wrong, but rather a personal choice.

So make a decision about what you want, and then pour your energy into it. Give it everything you have. Kick out the bad habits and start anew. This means sitting down together, laying everything out on the table, and agreeing to talk everything through until you find a workable solution.

That said, genuine effort does not always fix things. If you have exhausted all recommendations, yet still feel trapped or feel unhappy most of the time – then leaving may be the right choice. Not because being single is better, but because being in a marriage that drains you isn’t fair to either person. Ask yourself: are you growing through this, or just surviving? If it’s survival then give yourself permission to explore separation with professional support.

Commit to your choice.

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